Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It should be incredible. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A number of the best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely away from area. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")

And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have A different put where American Guys can use robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer Absolutely everyone a set around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be comfortable electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he need to cease utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked concerning the project, replied, "You are aware of, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."

Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping types a large Trump head visible from Room, a attribute being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, classified.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it Trump Tower Damascus spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.

"It can be not merely ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Characteristics

Probably the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium where by company may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate control established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising System: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Come"

The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Forever."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:

"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it might stabilize the world"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

18% explained "where's the nearest elevator on the West Lender?"

Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is previously attracting notice from international investors, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will also consist of:

A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War

Remark Part Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait around to find out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD can have transform-down assistance."

Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences propose:

China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Closing Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."